Post-surgery report and lots of emotions

Update from post-surgery visit with Dr Connor on Monday: overall, my recovery from bilateral mastectomy two weeks ago is going well; still too much volume to take out drains (one came out accidentally Sunday night, so I only have three left); I can get the other three out when they are draining less than 30 cc in a 24 hour period; will probably have additional surgery in six months or so to take care of ‘extra’ skin under my arms; final pathology report indicated NO cancer in 7 nodes (they took 4 sentinel nodes on left side, 1 sentinel node on right side, and 2 non-sentinel nodes on right side); the original tumor site of 3.0 x 1.4 x 1.0 cm had only .2 cm of residual tumor!

What does all of this mean? The chemotherapy worked on the original tumor and almost eliminated all the cancer in my breast. So – if I had cancer in any other part of my body, hopefully that was eliminated as well. I am hesitant to say I am cancer free, it seems as if that would be bragging or testing fate. I just want to say that my tests and reports are all favorable about the effectiveness of my treatment up to this point!!

I have chosen to give people the opportunity to follow my journey with cancer by posting my experiences (both physical and emotional) on this blog. It is just what I have chosen to do – to share my experiences so that others can understand what my cancer journey is like. Other cancer patients might choose to take a very private journey, while others might just share with family and close friends. We just have to choose the approach that is best for us. I am not sure why I am writing this paragraph, but I think it has to do with my emotional state right now. Warning – cancer can cause one to struggle with one’s state of mind!

I have not shared a lot of my personal responses lately on this blog. I think it is because I have been consumed with the actual events of finishing chemo and getting ready for surgery. Now, I feel ready to write about some of those thoughts.

On the ride home on Monday from the doctor’s visit, I experienced a whole range of emotions. I did not have a feeling of exuberance or an ‘I beat it’ mentality, I just felt a little numb about my journey with cancer. In fact, I felt sad and reserved. Nancy told me I looked like I was in a zone.

Ok, I’m back. I just had a big breakdown and cry. I am not sure what it was all about, but I am feeling so many emotions that I can’t make sense of them. I think the physical pain and discomfort from the chemotherapy and surgery has finally caught up with me. I want to heal faster, but my body is telling me that it definitely needs more time to deal with things. Emotionally, I just don’t know where to go with the idea that I have had a good response from my treatment while so many others have not had that happen to them. I know I still have five years of hormone therapy to go before I am finished with my entire treatment plan, but right now I feel like I have finished the Big 2 – chemo and surgery. I guess I need a little time to process that before I can move to the next phase of treatment. In fact, I rescheduled the appointment with my oncologist, Dr Sharma, from Wednesday until the last week in October. I am tired right now and want to rest before I start the anti-estrogen medication. I now understand the meaning of what I have heard other cancer patients say about taking a break from treatment. You just need a little time when nothing is happening to your body that will make you sick or sore.

Why do I feel guilty about sharing honestly how I feel? I think it is because we don’t want to share our authentic feelings when things are not going well or when we hurt or when we are struggling. I want to be able to report that things are great and that I am fine, but I know we all have days when that is not the case. This just happens to be my day.

Love to all,
Mary Kay