Always a Trojan at heart

I have a little trepidation about Tuesday’s chemotherapy session because it will be my first round of Taxol. Everyone says that Taxol is much easier to endure than Adriamycin and Cytoxan – I am hoping they are right. I have always wondered who ‘they’ are when people say things. In this case it is other chemo patients. I will take their word for it. Anyway, Taxol can cause an allergic reaction so I will be monitored fairly closely when the IV drip starts. I will have plenty of company at the treatment as my Mom and sister, Susan, are going to be there in addition to the regulars of Nancy and Jody.

I want to thank all of the Loganites (those crazy people from Logan, Kansas) who have sent me well wishes on the blog. I do miss you (even all of the Jayhawk fans) and hope to see you sometime in the near future. As I reflect on why my five years in Logan were so special, one word that that keeps coming up again and again is community. I am not just referring to the fact that Logan is a small town with a 1A school; I am talking about the many ways in which the town embraced me. The school and related activities were definitely the focus of my time, but I also enjoyed the church community (yes Mom, I did go to church --- well sometimes), the local volleyball team (remember those good times ladies?), all of those after game get-togethers, and lots and lots of social events!! In fact, I probably had a free meal at some point in time with all of Logan!! As Sue Jackson said in her comment, it has been almost 20 years since I left – YIKES. It seems like yesterday. In fact when I saw Barb and Mike Lehning at the basketball games last year at K-State, they looked just the same as the day I left Logan in 1988!! And I am sure I haven’t changed any in 20 years, either.

One of the things I have tried to do with this blog is to keep a list of gratitude notes. I am going to add my five years in Logan to that list because it truly was a positive and life changing time for me. I was so fortunate to have met so many wonderful friends who were ‘salt of the earth’ kind of people with caring spirits. Of all the places that I could have taken my first teaching job right out of K-State in 1983, I ended up a Logan Trojan. Wow, when I think about how things work out, I am amazed how lucky I have been in life.

Love to all,
Mary Kay

Photos of the Day - One photo is not enough!

We (Leadership Studies and Programs) had a going away luncheon for Mary Ray last Friday at Old Chicago. I felt well and certainly enjoyed the time out on the town! I took a few photos, so I thought I would share them with you so that you can see a few of my colleagues. We had a great time as you can see from the photos.

All of Russell County can be proud of their favorite son - Todd Wells, who did a great job of providing comic relief for us.

I surprised Gayle Spencer with a kiss at the moment of this picture. Gayle said she thought about kissing me on the cheek, too.

Lynda Bachelor sat by the honoree - Mary Ray. Mary will be spending her time at Washburn University in Topeka this Fall as she starts her Master's degree.

Sue Pray and Monica Parrish are the 'glue' that holds our department together. If we want something, we ask one of them. They know everything there is to know about 'getting things done' at K-State.

Kim Frazier is just starting at Leadership Studies - I am not sure it was a good idea to have her sit by Todd at her first get together. Surely there was a better place for her to sit.

Mary and Jo deserve a special 'shout out' as they delivered a meal to Nancy and me on Tuesday. They even stayed to eat with us! Thanks ladies for the scrumptious meal of salmon, scalloped potatoes, fresh bread, and carrot cake!

You probably recognize Candi Hironaka, but I am sure Ella Todd is new to the blog. Welcome to the big time - Ella!

Last, but not least, Ben Hopper and Mary Tolar. Was the meal really that delightful Mary?

What goes around, comes around!

I’ve wanted this blog to be an honest and authentic reflection of my experience with cancer. Sometimes that is difficult to do because there are times when I have thoughts and experiences that are difficult to share. Case in point – every time I have a pain in my body, however incidental, normal, or innocuous that pain might be, I wonder if the cancer has spread beyond my left breast. I think it is just something that I am going to have to work through – maybe it is a phase that cancer patients have to endure during treatment, or maybe it is just the emotional side effects of the chemotherapy, or maybe it is something that cancer survivors think about forever. I want this just to be a phase for me. I don’t want to live the rest of my life thinking about cancer on a daily basis.

As I think about why I am experiencing these emotions right now, I do have an explanation. I am starting to second-guess my decisions. Did I choose the right treatment plan? Should I have had surgery before chemo? Am I at the right treatment center? Am I doing everything I can to heal myself? I am sure asking those types of questions is part of the ‘process’ or the journey that most cancer patients endure, but it can be difficult to be patient and to believe that I am doing the right thing.

I just had an ‘ah ha’ moment!! In the comment section at the bottom of my previous posts, there are comments by friends Barb Lehning, Craig Snider, and Jeremy Lehning from my days teaching and coaching in Logan, Kansas, between 1983-1988. I was fortunate enough to coach several talented young women on the basketball team at Logan High School. Two guiding mottos evolved for the team that we used for motivation and teambuilding. One motto was public that we used on t-shirts and posters, and one motto was private that we used within the team. I will let you guess which is which - “Kick Ass” and “We Believe.” We used Kick Ass to get us fired-up and motivated for the competition. We Believe was used when times were challenging and we needed a boost to believe in each other as well as ourselves. Are you beginning to see my ‘ah ha’ moment about my cancer journey and hearing from some Logan friends? When I started this journey, I was motivated by the thought of kicking cancer’s ass. In fact, I had a kick cancer’s ass party before I started chemotherapy. As I have progressed through this journey, I have lost a little of the initial motivation – feeling sick most of the time will do that to you. So maybe now I need to BELIEVE – in my treatment team, my support team, and myself. I am not making this stuff up – I really had the ‘ah ha’ moment as I was writing this blog entry. Thanks Barb, Craig, and Jeremy for writing those comments so that I could realize the lessons I tried to teach while I coached at Logan. Isn’t it funny how things that go around tend to eventually come around?

Love to all,
Mary Kay

Photo of the Day - Happy Anniversary to Debbie and Greg

Happy Anniversary to my sister and brother-in-law, Debbie and Greg Brenneman! Greg is holding the joy of their lives, their grand-daughter Natalie. Debbie and Greg have been VERY good to me in so many ways throughout my life. Debbie has always been a supportive sister who has made sure I have plenty of quilts, baskets, dishes, and clothes. Whenever you see me in anything remotely fashionable, you can bet Debbie had something to do with it. (I know most of you are trying to think of a time when I wore something remotely fashionable!!) Debbie is a nurse so she also serves as the medical consultant in my family. One bit of fun I do have with Debbie is that when I call her doctor's office to talk with her, I tell the phone receptionist this is Dr. Siefers and I would like to speak with Nurse Brenneman. I always get a kick out of that one!! Greg and Debbie have a beautiful home at their farm northeast of Salina where Greg spends his spare time training horses and Debbie spends her spare time caring for the hundreds of outdoor plants. Thanks for being such a great sister and brother-in-law!

As most of you have noticed, it has been a while since I have felt well enough to write an entry for the blog. The side effects of my fourth chemo treatment on July 17 seemed to linger a little longer than any of the others. I guess it is the cumulative effects of the drugs. I have been at this chemo thing since my first treatment on June 5th and it definitely has taken a toll on my body. Actually, I am fairly healthy as far as chemo patients go – at least that is what my regular doctor told me today. I had my yearly appointment with Dr. Minocha in Manhattan. It is one that I had scheduled for a long time so I decided to keep the appointment. We had a good talk and she told me to call her anytime I had any concerns – she even told me to call her at home. It is nice to feel that personal connection to her during this crazy time in my life. I want to add two more items to my list of ‘gratitude notes’ – 1) the fact that I have a personal relationship with my primary doctor (or even that I have a primary doctor), and 2) that I am a relatively healthy person so that I can withstand the aggressive chemo drugs. It seems that each time I reflect on my journey I ‘see’ more of life’s lessons.

Another lesson that became clear to me during the last nine days is just how connected my physical self is to my emotional, psychological, and spiritual wellbeing. I noticed as I took longer and longer to recover from the chemo effects that I spent more time thinking about my cancer and my recovery or lack thereof. I found myself surfing the web for survival and prognosis information about my specific cancer. I have not felt the need to do much of that before now, but I found myself doing that several times in the past week. Now that I feel better, I am thinking about things like golf, grocery shopping, going to my office at LSP, exercising, and working in the yard. I am sure the lesson I just described is obvious and well-known to many, but it is one that had a big impact on me this week. It definitely reminded me of the balance in life and the interconnectedness to our different selves – the physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual.

I have so much more to write, but that is all for now. I promise I won’t wait another week to post!!

Love to all,
Mary Kay

Photo of the Day - my grand niece Natalie

Photo of the Day - Nancy, Jody, Susan, Garrett, Debbie, and Mom

This photo was taken on Sunday, July 22, in our front yard. Instead of saying 'cheese' at the moment of the photo, Garrett had everybody say 'cutting milo at the Huttie place.' My mom, sisters Deb and Susan, niece Jody, and grand nephew Garrett brought Nancy and me (and her sisters Jane and Barbara) Brookville Hotel chicken and all the fixings for Sunday lunch. My taste buds have been a little dull lately, but that lunch really brought some delight to me.

Photo of the Day - Nancy and my grand-niece Anna

Photo of the Day - my nephew Joey Thielen and his son Garrett

I am so blessed by having so many wonderful people in my life!

Yesterday was truly an inspiration to me and gave me a significant boost to do everything I can to win this battle against cancer. I want to live a long life so that I can not only repay all of the kindness that has been shown to me but also do for others who don’t even know me. At Leadership Studies and Programs we emphasize service to others as one of the main objectives of true leadership. In fact we teach a whole section on servant leadership based on the idea that leaders must start with the desire to serve others. Then we make a conscious choice to aspire to lead. Maybe the world has conspired to teach me about servant leadership in a way that I could never have imagined. I have been blessed in the last three months to have one servant leader after another in my life. Thank you to all!

My nieces Rebecca and Jody joined Nancy and me at KU Med for my fourth chemo treatment and the last of the Red Devil. Of course, they came bearing gifts, lots of laughs, and lots of LOVE. They brought balloons, cupcakes (from Aunt Mary’s Bakery), cards, a St Louis Cardinal baseball cap (that gift was definitely influenced by Jody’s husband Tim), and a gift from all my nieces and nephews that brought TEARS to my eyes. They gave me a precious memories photo album that contained some of their favorite photos as well as notes about our lives together. They truly surprised me with the gift even though Jody said I asked her what it was at Mom’s birthday party on July 7th. I have no recollection of even seeing the box that she was holding – that is what chemo brain will do to you. Anyway, it is the BEST GIFT IN THE WORLD! Thanks to Jody and Tim; John, Stacia, and Natalie; Alicia; Rebecca; Adam; Joey, Kelly, Garrett, and Anna; Matt, Lori, and Hallie; and Kevin and Sharon. You mean the world to me! And, of course, Nancy and I will provide childcare any time you need it!

The first photo below is the first page from the album – tears started to form in my eyes as I read it. The second photo is from Jody – I guess we are exposing some of our family secrets, but I don’t think too many of you who really know us will be surprised. Each of one of my nieces and nephews wrote a very special note to me and, of course, each one brought laughs and tears while I read them. I will share some of the others in the future, but I will start with Jody’s top-ten list. You can 'click' on each photo and it will appear larger in a new window. Just hit the back button when you are finished. I am assuming each computer works like mine.

In addition to the gifts from Jody and Rebecca, I had a couple other gifts that Nancy gave me during the chemo injection. Nancy gave me red pajamas and a silver bracelet. I guess she is tired of me lounging around the house in my grungy old clothes. The red pajamas remind me of my Dorrance Cardinals days, our main color was red. Are there any other Dorrance Cardinals out there and can you remember our fight song?

I received another very special gift during chemo from my special friends Andrea and Sue. They gave me a pink plaque (or stepping stone) that includes the breast cancer ribbon and the saying Find A Cure. Andrea and Sue have been so supportive of me during this journey by giving me food, organizing the hat garden, giving me breast cancer ribbons, and a host of other types of support. When I mentioned servant leadership in my first paragraph, I certainly put them in this category. Sue works with me at Leadership Studies and Andrea is the Director of Disability Support Services at K-State.

It seems amazing to me that I have written so much about my visit to KU Med on Tuesday and I have not mentioned anything about the doctor visit. Dr. Sharma could no longer locate my tumor by physical touch so she ordered an ultrasound to check on the size and location of the remaining tumor. That extra appointment at 1:30 delayed my chemo and we did not get chemo finished until 6:30. Anyway, based on the photo that I saw (Nancy and Jody can attest to this) of my ultrasound, I am announcing that I have been mis-diagnosed. The ultrasound picture clearly showed the outline of a handgun in my breast. It’s true! I have handgun implanted in my breast instead of a cancer tumor!! Ok, so maybe I am embellishing a little bit, but the tumor sure did look like the outline of a pistol in one of the views on the ultrasound. We’ll see what happens next time I go through security at the airport. I will try to get a photo of that ultrasound shot to share with you.

The tumor is shrinking, but is it still clearly there on the ultrasound. It is located near my chest wall and is now described as long and flat as opposed to circular when I first found it. I will now switch chemo drugs and take four treatments of Taxol every two weeks. HOPEFULLY, Taxol will be less taxing on my body. My chemo nurse said I will not have to take anywhere near the anti-nausea drugs that I took with Adriamycin (red devil) and Cytoxan. Then I decide on the type of surgery in October – lumpectomy or ‘off with the bad-behaving breasts.’ If I have a lumpectomy, I will need radiation treatment.

When Nancy and I returned home at 9:00 pm from the very long day at KU Med, our friends Heather and Mike Reed were at our house (thanks to Candi for letting them in) with a western-Kansas meal of chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, rolls, and an Oreo frozen dessert!!!! Are any of you getting hungry just thinking about this meal? They also brought me a cool cap - sort of French looking. Heather is an Assistant Dean in the Office of Student Life and she also teaches a class for us at Leadership Studies. Mike works at Community First National Bank in Manhattan – it just happens to be where Nancy and I bank! In Heather and Mike’s free time, they also own Prime-Time Fitness. I know all of you will want to know their secrets to finding energy to do all of that work. I think it has something to do with their commitment to physical health!!

My 47th birthday was truly special even though I had to take chemo on this day – in the bigger picture that was probably special, too. Thanks to all who sent cards, gifts, and emails. It sounds cliché, but there really aren’t words to share how grateful I am to have you in my life.

Love to all,
Mary Kay

Photo of the Day - my friend Christabelle Fitzgerald

I met Christabelle about 11 years ago and we immediately found a special connection between us. We have spent a lot of time together just talking about our lives. Christabelle is 95 so she has a lot of life to talk about. She has a wonderful sense of humor and makes me laugh more than anyone I know. This picture was taken Sunday morning when Christabelle and her sister Frances (who is 91) joined Nancy and me for a birthday breakfast at Early Edition .

Tomorrow Is a Big Day for Me

Tomorrow can be summarized as the best of times and the worst of times. It is the best of times because it is the last treatment of the 'red devil' chemotherapy, but it is the worst of times because I know what is coming with the side effects. It will be my own 'French Revolution.'

My friend Candi Hironaka gave me a packet of little cards that have inspirational sayings on them. I want to share a couple of those with you because I have found inspiration from them for my journey. I know many of you are on your own challenging journeys, and if you are anything like me, you find inspiration in unusual places. These sayings are from Mary Anne Radmacher - 'Courage doesn't always roar' and 'Courage is the candle we light with the flame of hope.' Somehow, those two sayings really made an impact on me today. It is probably because I need a little courage to think about tomorrow.

The day before chemo reminds me of the last day of school or work holiday. You really want to cherish the day and make it last as long as possible, but it seems to pass so fast. It is a little ironic because usually the day before my birthday passes so slow and the wait for the big day seems to drag on forever. As you can tell, my birthday days have been pretty good for me. Some family might say that is because I am spoiled with lots of gifts. Ok, so some things never change. I am still spoiled, but I can only thank my family and friends for spoiling me. It isn't something you do to yourself. So to Mom and Dad, my sisters and brother, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles and especially Nancy, I say thank you..

I had a great early birthday present on Sunday from my Mom and sisters, Susan and Deb. They came to Manhattan to visit me AND to give me a couple of presents. You see, I was not embellishing in the previous paragraph about how much they spoil me. Actually, the best part of the gift was the time we spent together. We just stayed around the house for a few hours - mostly so Susan could take a nap - and then we went out for a sandwich later in the day. It was the best birthday present they could have given me. Oh yeah, the real presents weren't too bad either!

My day ended on Sunday with a visit from Jackie, Di, and Jeremy. They brought me cookies and and remote controlled 'Dupont 24 - Jeff Gordon' car. At the time of this writing on Monday evening, the cookies are gone and the batteries to the car are dead! Life is good.

Love to all,
Mary Kay

Photo of the Day - my friends Blair, River, Adrienne, and Mattie

Today Nancy and I said goodbye to our friends the Leslie-Toogood family - Blair and Adrienne and their children River and Mattie. They are leaving Monday morning and moving 'home' to Winnipeg, Canada, where Adrienne will start a new job with the Canadian Sport Center. Adrienne has been a wonderful friend to Nancy and me for the last five years and we will miss her dearly. Adrienne has also been a tremendous asset to K-State because she has been a such a strong supporter of students, especially those who were experiencing significant challenges in their lives.

Relay for Life and a Quilt Story

I want to give a special 'shout out' to my nephew John Brenneman and his wife Stacia for their amazing work in raising $1,200 for their Relay for Life team!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I know John and Stacia (and their team members) worked throughout the year to raise a team total of $6,000. John and Stacia have such generous and giving spirits and I am thankful they are in my life to support me in my journey.

I did not make it to the Relay for Life in Salina on Friday night because I was afraid to over do it. I am so disappointed that I missed the event, but I know I made the right decision to stay home and rest. As I have said before, I want to stay as healthy as possible so that I can stay on my treatment regimen. I know that John and Stacia put my name on a luminary for the event. It took me some time to really comprehend that MY name needed to be included in the Relay for Life. I have seen it done before, but I NEVER thought my name would show up on one of the lighted bags. In fact, it brought a few tears to my eyes to think that they were walking for me. I know it isn't just me they were walking for, but it is so personal to have your name as one of the survivors. I guess this is another one of those lessons that cancer is going to teach me. I have been aware of Relay for Life for several years now and I have contributed each time someone has asked me. I am ashamed to say that I did not participate in the walk because right NOW it means the world to me to know that so many people are working to raise money to find a cure and to help people like me. This cancer journey certainly has made me see things in a different light. Thank you John and Stacia for helping me learn another one of life's lessons. This photo is of John and Stacia and their beautiful daughter Natalie.

Now I want to share a story that is a little unbelievable. One of the fund raisers for the Relay for Life was the raffle of a quilt that was made by Gayle Lacey who is a very close friend of my sister Debbie. Actually, Gayle is a friend of mine, too, and I like to think of her as one of the best quilters in the world! Anyway, when Gayle made the quilt, she put a label on the back that included a dedication to three people who have been impacted by cancer - I was one of the three to whom she dedicated the quilt. Now for the amazing part of the story - I was the winner of the quilt!! Pretty unbelievable isn't it? Some might say it was meant to be, or that the stars were aligned just right, or there was divine intervention, or just luck - whatever it was, I will cherish that quilt and hope for more divine intervention in my life. Thanks Gayle Lacey

Love to all,
Mary Kay

Photo of the Day - Bald is Beautiful - my grand-niece Hallie and me

Hallie's parents (Matt and Lori) trusted Nancy and me to take care of her today while they enjoyed a little time in Manhattan. At the end of our time together, Hallie told me that I am definitely her favorite grand aunt!!

Being bald has been a wonderful experience for me!! For those of you who know me, you know that hair style has never been important to me. That is probably a huge understatement on how I have felt about my own hair style and what it has said about me. I have absolutely NO talent in the area of hair style and that has been reflected in the way I have worn my hair for the first 46 years of my life. Yes, I am still 46 for four more days.

One of the good things about being bald is that I get much better service in stores and restaurants. Staff members seem to seek me out to ask me if I need help finding something or if I just need help in general. I do get a few second looks, especially from children. But, overall I have not had any negative experiences with the lack of hair.

Something that has been on my mind recently is the return of students to campus in August. I hope to be able to go to work on most days when the semester begins on August 20. I have been thinking about sending an email to my students from last year telling them that I am taking chemotherapy drugs and it has resulted in losing my hair. I want them to recognize me on campus because I want to chat with them about their summers and their lives in general. I want them to know that I'm still Mary Kay and I want to be a part of their lives as students at K-State. I also want them to know that it is ok to talk about cancer and my current status. It seems fairly normal for people to want to know how I am feeling, what treatment I am taking, has the cancer spread to other parts of my body, how long will treatment last, etc. Those are all things I am willing to share with others - thus this blog!! I know some people choose to keep their journeys private because that is comfortable to them. For me, I am comfortable sharing lots of information about my health as well as information about my emotions and, of course, my FAMILY and FRIENDS!!! I love to brag about all the wonderful people in my life AND I love to post photos of them as well so that you can put a face with the name and stories.

That brings me to today's photos. Two very special former K-State students (Vy Bui and Brandi Edwards) have stopped by recently to visit me. Both are in the infamous REAL world now as Vy lives in Atlanta and works for Accenture and Brandi works for The First Tee in Charlotte, NC. I am definitely going to visit Brandi in Charlotte because that is where most of the NASCAR teams are located!! Yes, I am a NASCAR freak and I like to follow the best driver in the world - the Dupont Chevrolet, #24 Jeff Gordon. As you can see from the photos, my friend Candi Hironaka is in both pictures. Now, she will be unhappy about that, but she was so kind to organize the meetings with both students. As I said in one of my earlier posts, Candi is a really NICE person who does NICE things all of the time AND she deserves to have her picture on here each day.

This photo of of me with Todd Wells, Vy Bui, and Candi Hironaka was taken on the steps of our house. Vy was in Kansas City to visit her family and she decided to make a trip to Manhattan to visit friends. Isn't that a great looking crew!

This photo was taken today - July 13 - in my front yard after we returned from lunch at So Long Saloon. Of course, you recognize Candi on the left, Brandi is in middle, and Candi's son Myles is on the right. As you can tell from the photo, Myles was teasing Brandi during this photo shoot!

Love to all,
Mary Kay

I've been MAD at cancer for the last few days. I am not sure what it is about, but I think it probably has to do with progressing through stages of this journey. All of the support that I have received really has given me a greater strength to battle this disease. Maybe that is where my feelings of anger toward cancer are coming from? Anyway, I have felt a surge of energy to do battle against the cancer cells in my body which has motivated me to focus on areas in addition to medical treatment to gain an edge in the fight. I have been eating lots and lots of fruits and vegetables to make sure my body has the appropriate nutrition to heal and I have tried to get exercise by walking Kramer several times a day. Usually I have to rest in bed for 30 minutes or so after each walk because it takes so much energy from me to walk the neighborhood.

I am starting to understand the cumulative effects of chemotherapy. It has taken me longer to recover with each chemo treatment. I took my third treatment on July 3rd and this (July 12th) is the first day that I have not had any nausea. After my first treatment on June 5th, I was feeling pretty good after a week and it took about seven or eight days to recover from my second treatment. I did have my port surgery on the morning of my second treatment on June 19 so I know that added a little time to that recovery. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that it is taking me longer to recover each time. Chemotherapy is intended to kill the cancer cells and, of course, it takes a heavy toll on 'good' fast growing cells in my body as well. Some of the body's fast growing cells that can be significantly affected by chemo are hair, mouth, and intestinal cells. Most chemo patients lose their hair and endure mouth sores and intestinal challenges - I will leave the intestinal challenges to your imagination - because fast growing cells make up those parts of the body. In addition to those issues, fatigue has been a huge factor in my journey. I am trying to get plenty of rest so that my blood counts are in the safe zone for my next scheduled chemo on July 17. I want to do everything I can to stay on track with my treatment schedule so that I get the optimum response from the drugs AND that I can get this over as soon as possible. Hopefully, the fourth treatment will be my last of the adriamycin and cytoxan drugs!!

I want to send another thank you to all who have supported me in this journey. The concept of FOMK community is a powerful motivator for me. I know I am a member of a community that includes lots of people in Manhattan, Dorrance, Wilson, Russell County, and beyond. I hope you are all having a great day!

Love to all,
Mary Kay

Photo of the Day - Siefers family at Mom's birthday party

How has cancer changed me? Or has it?

It has been two months since my diagnosis of breast cancer. In that time I have had lots of tests - mammogram, biopsy, ultrasounds, ct scans, pet scans, muga test - and three rounds of chemotherapy with the drugs adriamycin and cytoxan. It seems like a whirlwind of activity since I heard the words from my local doctor - 'Mary Kay, I wish I had better news for you.' For the first month, I really did not feel like I had cancer because I felt fine. However, that changed once chemotherapy started and the side effects made an appearance in my life. I have been sick for about a week after each treatment. Days 1-3 after chemo aren't too bad. I feel tired and somewhat nauseated, but I can function ok. Days 4-7 have been the most difficult for me because of the chemo-brain effect where it feels like my brain is not attached to my body. My nausea, fatigue, and interrupted sleep seem to be at their worst during those days as well.

Now the good news! I only have one more scheduled treatment of adriamycin and cytoxan!!! Yeah... My last treatment of this nasty stuff is scheduled for my birthday on July 17. It may not seem like a good birthday present, but if it does the job of ridding my body of cancer, I can't think of anything better. I will then have four treatment of taxol - hopefully the side effects of taxol will be less debilitating.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK. That is what this entry is all about, I want my life back. I have never had anything in my life that has 'stopped' me from living and doing what I want to do. CANCER has been the only thing that has had the power to say to me - 'I am calling the shots, you will be at my mercy.' I am hoping that philosophy will soon change after this next round of chemotherapy and I will, once again, be in charge of living my life. You see I don't want cancer to control me, I want to control cancer - or maybe a better way to say it is that I want to LIVE with cancer. Of course, the goal is to be cancer free in a few months, but I also want to live a meaningful life until then.

I just had an 'ah ha' moment. Cancer has just taught me a another lesson. After reading the last two paragraphs, I realize how selfish I sound because those two paragraphs are all about ME without a thought about a bigger picture. There are so many people in this world who are suffering right now. In fact, I would not even use the word suffering to describe any part of my experience to this point. I have been blessed with SUPPORT and LOVE of family and friends, and I have the financial resources and health insurance so that I can get the very best medical care. I know there are so many people in this world who are struggling and suffering and I feel ashamed that I complain about my situation.

I want something good to come from my experience. Of course, I want to be cancer free, but I also want to learn life lessons so that I can assist others who are experiencing difficulties in their lives. I want to share the comfort of FOMK (friends of Mary Kay) with them so that they will have the strength and comfort to overcome their suffering and difficulties as well. This reminds me of a conversation I had with my brother-in-law Joe about a month before his death. He told me how much he appreciated all of the people who supported him by visiting with him and by supporting his family. Joe said that when he felt better that he was going to visit others who were experiencing illness and difficulties in their lives. Now I know what he was talking about. He was feeling the need to 'give back' or 'pay it forward' because he was so appreciative of all that was given to him. That is where I am now. I want to find a way to 'give back' and 'pay it forward' and try to make this a positive experience for me and others.

Life has a way of teaching us lessons in the most unique ways.

Love to all,
Mary Kay

So Much to Share from the Weekend

Nancy and I went to Dorrance on Friday evening to ‘help’ with preparations for Mom’s birthday party. I wasn’t much help to my family members because I was still battling chemo side effects from my treatment on Tuesday. Even though I could not decorate any cup cakes for the party, I did enjoy watching Anna as she decorated her face with a cup cake! I want to give a big ‘shout out’ to Susan, Deb, Nancy, Kelly, Sharon, Aunt Joan and all who helped get ready for the party. I like to think that if I wasn’t experiencing chemo brain, nausea and fatigue, that I would have been a great help to the party. As it was, I was pretty much worthless in contributing to the work on Friday and Saturday. I know some of you are thinking that my level of help has nothing to do with chemotherapy side effects!!

We had a GREAT party for Mom on Saturday because of all the family and friends who celebrated with us!! We wanted to honor Mom on an amazing 80 years of living life to its fullest and I think we succeeded. Mom is a very active woman who likes to surround herself with lots of activity and excitement. A lot of her daily activity is focused on serving and doing for others. I can’t think of a better role model for me on how to embrace life and to live it with enthusiasm and gusto. Thanks Mom for being such a powerful influence in my life!

FOMK – Friends of Mary Kay – made a big appearance at the party on Saturday! My cousins Diann and Ken Goodyear and my Aunt Joan surprised me with caps with a creative design of FOMK on them. It really touched my heart to see so many wearing the caps at Mom’s birthday party. Thank you to Diann, Ken, and Aunt Joan for giving me a little extra inspiration to overcome this battle against cancer. I have said it before and I will say it again, the generosity and kindness of my family and friends has been overwhelming during this cancer journey.

The day on Saturday ended with a trip in Mick and Colleen’s motor home to Wilson Lake to watch the fireworks display. It was a beautiful Kansas evening – more like late May than early July weather – with temperatures in the 70’s and clear skies. We parked on a hilltop on the south side of the lake and had a impressive view of the lake and prairie. Not only did I enjoy fireworks display, I also enjoyed the spectacular view of the stars that night. They were so bright and there seemed to be a gazillion stars that were visible to the naked eye. My sister Debbie gave me a special gift while we were watching the stars – she named my very own star for me as we sat there. She said all I have to do to make it official is to give her $75 and she will make a certificate for me for the entire world to see! Isn’t that special of her? As you can see from the picture, Kevin and Sharon chose the stargazing perch on top of the motor home so that they could point out my personal star to the group.

The wonderful weekend ended with a trip to Beloit to celebrate Hallie’s baptism. Matt and Lori had a great meal of bacon-wrapped pork loin with all the fixings and homemade ice cream for dessert. I do my best to show up anytime there is a free meal to be had!! Anna loves to rub my bald head and as you can see from the photo of Anna, Hallie and Garrett, she likes to rub Hallie’s bald head as well. That’s all for now.

Love to all,
Mary Kay

Photo of the Day - my nephew Matt and his daughter Hallie Jo

This photo of Matt and Hallie Jo was taken at Mom's birthday party on Saturday. I wanted to have Hallie in the photo of the day because she was baptized today. Happy Baptism to Hallie Jo and parents Matt and Lori Thielen!!

Photo of the Day - Happy Birthday to the Best Mom in the World - Velma Siefers!!

Today, July 5th, is Mom's 80 birthday. I hope you can join us for her birthday party on Saturday, July 7th at the Wilson Senior Center between 3-5.

Three treatments down, five to go

I want to give a special shout out to Monica Parrish (a colleague at Leadership Studies) who delivered a delicious meal of beef stroganoff on Tuesday evening. That is one of my favorite meals that I have not had it in a long time. I enjoyed a BIG plate of it when I returned home from KC. Monica had a scare when she delivered the meal - Kramer (the best dog in the world) ran out the door when Monica opened it. She called us on the phone and was very nervous about Kramer running away. I knew he would come home - Kramer just likes to check out the neighbors, but he always comes back in about five minutes. Anyway, when Monica returned to check on him, he was sitting on the front steps waiting to get in the house. So, maybe he is not always the best dog in the world when he gives others such a scare

My third AC treatment on Tuesday went well. It seems odd to say that I had an enjoyable chemo treatment, but I did. It was because of the company - Candi Hironaka made the trip with Nancy and me. As you can see from the photo at the left, Candi enjoyed the afternoon by sitting in one of the recliners in the treatment room. I tried to get the nurse to give the treatment to Candi, but the nurse didn't seem to appreciate my humor. Candi is a great friend, neighbor, and colleague at Leadership Studies and I like to call her the nicest person in the world! Candi, thanks for being such a wonderful and supportive friend. She made my day today by giving Nancy and me big monster cookies for the Fourth of July.

Jody and Rebecca, my nieces who live in the Kansas City area, also joined us at the Cancer Center. I can't tell you how much their support has meant to me during this journey. They are talented young women and I am so proud to be their favorite aunt!! Of course, I think that 'favorite aunt' thing could be challenged by their other aunts. Jody is the daughter of my sister Debbie and Rebecca is the daughter of my brother Bill.

On a more solemn note, it is with sadness that I learned of the death of Rosemary Mattas Dlabal of Wilson. She fought a long battle with stomach cancer and died on Monday at the age of 41. I taught with Rosemary at Wilson Jr/Sr High between 1988 - 1992. Rosemary was a great math teacher and member of the community. Rosemary was also an outstanding high school and college basketball player. She lived her life in a simple and honest manner and will be missed tremendously by her husband, four children, her family and the Wilson community.

I am positive about my cancer journey, I fully expect to be cancer free in a few short months. But, I do know that some people lose their battles with cancer. I also know that many overcome cancer and live full and productive lives. In fact, I now find comfort and strength from those who have gone through this journey. Two people come to mind - Rosalee Whitmer and Jo Murphy. They have shared some of their breast cancer experiences with me, especially their chemo journeys. There is something special to know that they survived the chemo treatments that were similar to mine, and that they understand the fatigue and nausea that accompanies the treatments.

My initial treatment plan called for four treatments of Adriamycin and Cytoxan (AC) and four treatments of Taxol. According to all the reading I have done, the AC treatments have more severe side effects than the Taxol treatments. I hope that is right because I only have one more treatment of AC! After the chemo treatments end on September 13, I will have surgery and then follow that with radiation. And then I hope this journey is over! Of course, we all know how plans can change.

Right now, Wednesday afternoon, I feel good. The nausea medicine is working at this point in time. During the last treatment, my nausea was under control until days 4-6. I shared that with my doctor and she gave me anti-nausea medicine to take on days 4-6 this time. I hope it works because we are celebrating Mom's birthday on Saturday with a party between 3-5 at the Wilson Senior Center. I want to be 'with it' so that I can visit with guests and, of course, do my share of the work. You know, I could always use the 'I have cancer, I can't do it' excuse to get out of clean-up duties!!

Happy Fourth of July to all,
Mary Kay

Photo of the Day - my niece Rebecca Siefers

Photo of the Day - my grand niece Natalie (and me with hair)

I Feel Good!!

The last five days were wonderful because I felt well and I had a great time with family and friends in Dorrance! And to top it off, I returned home today (Sunday) to a 'hat garden' in my kitchen. Each hat was attached to a balloon that had a face drawn on it. Now I am not sure about the artistic abilities of my friends, but the balloon faces certainly made me laugh when I saw them. I hope those weren't portraits of ME!!! I actually could see the self-portraits of those who gave me the hats. I now have enough hats so that I can wear a different one each day for the next three weeks. Thank you so much to all who shared a hat and note with me!! I can't wait to wear them...

Back to the trip to Dorrance. First of all, the weather was great for me - it was cool the whole time and very little sun. Now for me that was heaven sent, but for harvesting wheat - well let's just say it made it slow going. I did ride in the combines with Kevin and Joey. There is something about harvest time that draws people back to the country. I guess it is getting in touch with mother nature or actually reaping what you sow. But, I felt something that was really special when I was riding in the combine. It might be the generosity of the earth or it could have been the conversations with Kevin and Joey. Riding in the combine during wheat harvest is a great place to have interesting and meaningful conversations. I highly recommend it to others!

I want to give a special 'shout out' to my sister Susan. She is the one who puts up with me, houses me, cooks for me, and takes care of me when I visit Dorrance. You will be glad to know that she also puts me in my place when she gets a little too much of me! That's what older sisters do, oops, did I mention that I am the youngest in my family. Yes, Susan, Deb, and Bill are older than I am!! (They like to say that I am the baby, but I prefer the term - youngest.) Anyway, back to why I want to give Susan the special shout out. Susan has a generous heart that touches so many people. For as long as I can remember, she has opened her home to so many different people. I know that many of you who are reading this now will understand what I am saying because you have probably stayed, visited, or eaten meals at her home. And you know how comfortable Susan makes you feel when you are there. Susan is also a GREAT 4th and 5th grade teacher - just take my word for that one. Everybody loves Mrs Thielen! In addition to her work as a teacher, Susan also runs her farm. That little sentence might seem pretty insignificant to some of you, but let me tell you that taking care of the farm is a HUGE task. So you see how talented Susan is - she has two full-time jobs AND she opens her home to so many of us.

I have wanted to write about Susan for a long time because I have wanted to acknowledge the herculean effort she put forth when Joe was facing his battle with cancer. I gave the eulogy at Joe's funeral and I so wanted to talk about how proud I was of Susan during that difficult time. But I knew there was NO way I would have been able to hold it together during the speech. So here it is now - Susan, your efforts of the last three years have been nothing short of phenomenal in what you have achieved. I can only think that it must have been close to the effort needed to climb Mount Everest. I am sure you felt times that you could not have carried anything else on your shoulders or that you could not have taken another step or that you could not catch your breath. Just know that there are many who admire you for your strength and courage and that you are a role model for many of us on how to face the difficulties that life can give us. You are a great sister!

Love to all,
Mary Kay