What goes around, comes around!

I’ve wanted this blog to be an honest and authentic reflection of my experience with cancer. Sometimes that is difficult to do because there are times when I have thoughts and experiences that are difficult to share. Case in point – every time I have a pain in my body, however incidental, normal, or innocuous that pain might be, I wonder if the cancer has spread beyond my left breast. I think it is just something that I am going to have to work through – maybe it is a phase that cancer patients have to endure during treatment, or maybe it is just the emotional side effects of the chemotherapy, or maybe it is something that cancer survivors think about forever. I want this just to be a phase for me. I don’t want to live the rest of my life thinking about cancer on a daily basis.

As I think about why I am experiencing these emotions right now, I do have an explanation. I am starting to second-guess my decisions. Did I choose the right treatment plan? Should I have had surgery before chemo? Am I at the right treatment center? Am I doing everything I can to heal myself? I am sure asking those types of questions is part of the ‘process’ or the journey that most cancer patients endure, but it can be difficult to be patient and to believe that I am doing the right thing.

I just had an ‘ah ha’ moment!! In the comment section at the bottom of my previous posts, there are comments by friends Barb Lehning, Craig Snider, and Jeremy Lehning from my days teaching and coaching in Logan, Kansas, between 1983-1988. I was fortunate enough to coach several talented young women on the basketball team at Logan High School. Two guiding mottos evolved for the team that we used for motivation and teambuilding. One motto was public that we used on t-shirts and posters, and one motto was private that we used within the team. I will let you guess which is which - “Kick Ass” and “We Believe.” We used Kick Ass to get us fired-up and motivated for the competition. We Believe was used when times were challenging and we needed a boost to believe in each other as well as ourselves. Are you beginning to see my ‘ah ha’ moment about my cancer journey and hearing from some Logan friends? When I started this journey, I was motivated by the thought of kicking cancer’s ass. In fact, I had a kick cancer’s ass party before I started chemotherapy. As I have progressed through this journey, I have lost a little of the initial motivation – feeling sick most of the time will do that to you. So maybe now I need to BELIEVE – in my treatment team, my support team, and myself. I am not making this stuff up – I really had the ‘ah ha’ moment as I was writing this blog entry. Thanks Barb, Craig, and Jeremy for writing those comments so that I could realize the lessons I tried to teach while I coached at Logan. Isn’t it funny how things that go around tend to eventually come around?

Love to all,
Mary Kay