How has cancer changed me? Or has it?

It has been two months since my diagnosis of breast cancer. In that time I have had lots of tests - mammogram, biopsy, ultrasounds, ct scans, pet scans, muga test - and three rounds of chemotherapy with the drugs adriamycin and cytoxan. It seems like a whirlwind of activity since I heard the words from my local doctor - 'Mary Kay, I wish I had better news for you.' For the first month, I really did not feel like I had cancer because I felt fine. However, that changed once chemotherapy started and the side effects made an appearance in my life. I have been sick for about a week after each treatment. Days 1-3 after chemo aren't too bad. I feel tired and somewhat nauseated, but I can function ok. Days 4-7 have been the most difficult for me because of the chemo-brain effect where it feels like my brain is not attached to my body. My nausea, fatigue, and interrupted sleep seem to be at their worst during those days as well.

Now the good news! I only have one more scheduled treatment of adriamycin and cytoxan!!! Yeah... My last treatment of this nasty stuff is scheduled for my birthday on July 17. It may not seem like a good birthday present, but if it does the job of ridding my body of cancer, I can't think of anything better. I will then have four treatment of taxol - hopefully the side effects of taxol will be less debilitating.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK. That is what this entry is all about, I want my life back. I have never had anything in my life that has 'stopped' me from living and doing what I want to do. CANCER has been the only thing that has had the power to say to me - 'I am calling the shots, you will be at my mercy.' I am hoping that philosophy will soon change after this next round of chemotherapy and I will, once again, be in charge of living my life. You see I don't want cancer to control me, I want to control cancer - or maybe a better way to say it is that I want to LIVE with cancer. Of course, the goal is to be cancer free in a few months, but I also want to live a meaningful life until then.

I just had an 'ah ha' moment. Cancer has just taught me a another lesson. After reading the last two paragraphs, I realize how selfish I sound because those two paragraphs are all about ME without a thought about a bigger picture. There are so many people in this world who are suffering right now. In fact, I would not even use the word suffering to describe any part of my experience to this point. I have been blessed with SUPPORT and LOVE of family and friends, and I have the financial resources and health insurance so that I can get the very best medical care. I know there are so many people in this world who are struggling and suffering and I feel ashamed that I complain about my situation.

I want something good to come from my experience. Of course, I want to be cancer free, but I also want to learn life lessons so that I can assist others who are experiencing difficulties in their lives. I want to share the comfort of FOMK (friends of Mary Kay) with them so that they will have the strength and comfort to overcome their suffering and difficulties as well. This reminds me of a conversation I had with my brother-in-law Joe about a month before his death. He told me how much he appreciated all of the people who supported him by visiting with him and by supporting his family. Joe said that when he felt better that he was going to visit others who were experiencing illness and difficulties in their lives. Now I know what he was talking about. He was feeling the need to 'give back' or 'pay it forward' because he was so appreciative of all that was given to him. That is where I am now. I want to find a way to 'give back' and 'pay it forward' and try to make this a positive experience for me and others.

Life has a way of teaching us lessons in the most unique ways.

Love to all,
Mary Kay