Just a little funk

Yes, it has been a week since my last post. Why? I have been in a bit of an emotional funk for a few days and I have been experiencing some severe side effects of my second Taxol treatment. Both of those make it difficult to write – and who wants to write when you feel crappy.

My treatment went well last Thursday – other than the fact that we did not get home until 11 pm, again. It was my first time at the new cancer facility, which is not part of the main campus of the KU Med hospital. As with my other treatments, the first couple of days after treatment day have been ok. It is on days two to three that the side effects have appeared. I started to experience the dreaded muscle and joint pain associated with Taxol on Saturday morning. The pain was significant enough that it interfered with my regular activities of play and work. I tried to go to work on Monday morning but that was definitely the wrong thing to do. I stayed for an hour and a half and then went home to sleep. I have been on a steady diet of Vicodin painkillers to ease the ‘shooting’ joint pain. My doctor told me that I would probably experience the joint pain this time because I had to take a Neulasta shot because my white blood cell count was out of the normal range. Apparently, the Neulasta and Taxol combination typically results in the increase in joint pain. The good news is that I feel better today – Tuesday – and I have only taken ibuprofen for the pain.

The other good news is that I only have two more chemotherapy treatments!! I am scheduled for my third treatment on August 30 and my final treatment on September 13. It seems so far away right now, I want the time to go fast. It seems as though I have mentally marked the end of chemo and the surgery date as THE significant end to this journey. I am not sure why, but I think it is the desire to get the cancer out as fast as possible. This ‘neoadjuvant’ therapy is hard to mentally and emotionally endure because of the wait time to surgery. I know that is why I am experiencing the emotional distress of late. It makes me think why didn’t I choose surgery first? Am I making the right decision for me and my specific kind of cancer? I wonder if other cancer patients have episodes when FEAR creeps its way into their minds, too?

I know that the start of the school year has also contributed to my funk. It is not that the school year has started; it is that I am not part of it. It is the first time in my life that the school year has started without me! I am not teaching or taking classes this semester – I can only think of one other year that has happened since I was five years old. I also don’t want to let my colleagues down. Even though I have plenty of sick leave so that I can stay home and recover, I still want to be a part of my work culture. I know this experience is another lesson that cancer is teaching me. I haven’t quite figured out what the lesson is, but I know I am on a journey to learn something. I think it might have to do with focusing on the really important parts of life. Right now for me, my focus must be on my health. I must do everything I can to give my body a chance to rid itself of cancer and rest and recuperation has to be a part of that process. I might have made the mistake of thinking that once I was finished with Adriamycin (red devil) and Cytoxan treatments at the end of July, that I would be able to resume my ‘normal’ life of work and play. Well, Taxol isn’t letting me do that just yet. I wanted to be able to go back to work and not let these chemo treatments interfere with my work. I guess it is just the rhythm of the school year that is so imbedded in my soul that it is difficult for me to let go of it for even one semester. So, the lesson to be learned – don’t sweat the small stuff and focus on the really important things in life - like getting healthy.

Love to all,
Mary Kay