ONLY ONE MORE CHEMOTHERAPY TREATMENT

Today's chemotherapy treatment marked the seventh of eight scheduled treatments. I only have ONE more chemo treatment!! Yeah! My treatment protocol consists of four treatments of Adriamycin and Cytoxan with two weeks between treatments followed by four treatments of Taxol with two weeks between treatments. This photo is the label on the 'bottle' of Taxol, it takes three hours for this bottle of chemo to drip into the port in my chest. My first two chemo drugs and the pre-drugs come in plastics IV bags, but Taxol is delivered in a glass bottle. I guess it is something about the toxicity of the drug, yes the same drug that runs through my body!

The shorter, two week treatment protocol is referred as 'dose dense' because of the relatively short time between chemotherapy treatments. So far, I have tolerated the 'dose dense' protocol and have stayed relatively healthy during this time. The down side is that I only have a few 'good' days before I have to take another dose of chemotherapy. But, as long as I can tolerate the intensity of the treatments, I would rather get it done as soon as possible rather than a longer treatment time. Anyway, my mantra for the next two weeks will be 'One more chemo!'

I had good news today with the sonogram. The technician had a difficult time identifying the tumor. She could find a few spots that were remnants of the tumor or small 'bits' that were somewhat random. I had the crazy idea that the tumor would 'shrink' from the outside in, or that it would start as the size of a pecan in the shell and then shrink to a grape and then shrink to the size of a pea. The chemotherapy works throughout the tumor and kills cells on the outside as well as cells on the inside of the tumor. You might remember from a post in July that I reported I was misdiagnosed and did not have cancer. Instead I had a pistol implanted in the my breast. Well, today I took a picture of that sonogram slide from my July 17 appointment. Don't you think my tumor looked like a pistol? Reminder: you can click on the photo and it should appear larger in a new window.

Dr Sharma and I were extremely pleased with the progress that I am making with the neoadjuvant (treatment before surgery) chemotherapy treatment. Now I know that the drug regime I am on will work if the cancer cells return in the future. I had good news in each of my appointments today: my lab work is OK; my tumor continues to shrink from the chemotherapy treatments; Dr Sharma is pleased with my progress and overall health; and I have a surgery date of October 2. Dr Sharma is a wonderful oncologist and I recommend her to anyone who might find themselves in need of her services. She is a little shy, but she is very attentive to any question or concern I might have. In fact, Dr Sharma always turns to Nancy during our visits and asks if she has any questions. Does Nancy have any questions? Ha ha. Nancy ALWAYS has a list of questions for Dr Sharma. Those of you who know Nancy are probably getting a chuckle from this because Nancy is SO thorough. Anyway, Dr Sharma agreed to pose for a photo with me. She is the one with the hair! I noticed in this photo that my eyebrows are thinning!

You can not believe how much better my emotional state is now compared to how I felt the last few weeks. However, I do not want to celebrate because I still have a long way to go. But right now things seem to be on track and I am making progress as expected. When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I focused on the slogan of Kicking Cancer's Ass. I am not sure I will have a party to announce that I have achieved that goal. There is too much fear about the cancer returning to state that I have defeated cancer and that the ordeal is over. I have a sneaking suspicion that I will battle cancer in an emotional and mental state for the rest of my life. Even though I might be able to say I am 'cancer free' after my surgery, I will still live with the thought that it might return. I am OK with that - I am OK knowing this is what life has dealt me and I will have to find a way to live a full and rewarding life knowing that my cancer might return. Now, I want to make one thing clear, I WILL HAVE A PARTY AFTER THIS PART OF MY BATTLE WITH CANCER. I come from a family and work environment who celebrate everything - so I will celebrate to thank all of you who have given so much to me during this time. I am not sure when, how, what, where, but WE will celebrate.

I will give myself the Neulasta shot on Friday and then wait for the muscle and joint pain to return. The Neulasta shot is to boost my white blood cell count, but it can cause joint pain, too. So I know that by Friday evening or Saturday morning I will probably be in significant pain. But, Dr Sharma gave me a new prescription today that should help with the pain. I also take Vicodin, Vitamin B 6, and ibuprofen. Because of these drugs and chemo brain, I am announcing now that I am not responsible for my behavior for the next five days!! I might just play this 'chemo brain' card for a long time. So to all of my family, friends, and colleagues - FOR ONCE, please pamper me and baby me because I have cancer and chemo brain. Hey, I have to get something good from this......

Love to all,
Mary Kay

A Morale Booster

Candi and I walked the survivor’s lap at the Relay for Life on Friday night and it really, really gave me an emotional lift that was desperately needed. It was encouraging to see so many cancer survivors walking proudly around the track at Memorial Stadium. And, it was just as moving to see the family, friends, and supporters of the survivors as they cheered and clapped for their loved ones who were walking the survivor’s lap. As Candi and I made our way around the track, I saw lots and lots of tears from the supporters and that made me a little emotional. It reinforced something that I learned when my brother-in-law Joe was battling cancer – the disease not only impacts the cancer patient, but also the family and friends in a significant way as well. I can only imagine the tears in the eyes of Susan, Joey, Matt, Kevin and the rest of the family if he would have been able to make that survivor’s walk. I know I would have been there cheering and clapping for him.

At the end of the lap, we received a Relay for Life medal, introduced ourselves and gave a time frame of being a survivor. For me, it has been three months. Candi is a 12 year survivor. I guess as soon as we are diagnosed, we become a cancer survivor. At first that seemed a little odd, but now I get it. I have never seen or heard the word – cured – referenced in all of my doctor visits or in any of the reading I have done. We become cancer free, but we don’t become cured of cancer. Maybe it is just semantics, but there is just too much fear about cancer returning or recurrence to use the ‘cured’ word. Cancer survivor works for me because I do feel like a cancer survivor. Even now, before I am finished with my initial treatment plan, I still feel like a survivor because cancer has impacted my life so much already. It is interesting as I think about what cancer has changed in my life. It certainly changed my summer plans – remember, it was going to be the summer of Mary Kay. I was going to work in the yard and play golf! Neither one happened. Instead, cancer reinforced a lot of what I already knew – that I am loved by many people AND that I love and care for so many people, too. Isn’t that interesting? Because of cancer, I didn’t get to play golf, but I had a lesson in love…….

I want to give a special shout out to Nancy, Candi, Todd and Shawn for supporting me at the Relay for Life. As you can see from the photo of Nancy, she is wearing a breast cancer necklace that was given to us by Barb Lehning from Logan. The necklace has the pink ribbon in the middle and is surrounded by the words: courage, life, celebrate, mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends. Thanks Barb for your support and generosity of spirit. If you need a place to stay in Manhattan, please know you are always welcome at our house. (I can say that without worry that Barb and Mike will actually take me up on the offer because their son, Jeremy, lives in the area, too. So I am assuming they will stay with him.)

I think most of you who read this blog on a somewhat regular basis can tell by my lack of posts that I am either busy with other things or I am not feeling well. I just haven’t had the mental and emotional energy to post much lately because of my fatigue status. This morning – Sunday – Nancy and I worked in the yard for less than an hour and it zapped the energy from me. It took me the rest of the day and a massage from Barbara just to recover from the yard work. Have I mentioned lately how wonderful Barbara is? I highly recommend her if anyone needs a massage or energy work!

Love to all,
Mary Kay

Photo of the Day - Some of my colleagues at Leadership Studies

I want to give a special shout out to my colleagues at Leadership Studies during this first week of classes. This photo includes most of my colleagues, but not all. (You can click on the photo and it should open in a larger view in another window.) They are a special group of professionals who are passionate about their work with K-State students. Yes, it is an emotional letdown for me that I am not able to be a part of something so special.

My recovery from the second treatment of Taxol is going much slower than I had anticipated. I had hoped to be able to go to work (all day) this week. That has not happened. I tried to go on Wednesday, but ended up at home after lunch. I just did not have the energy to stay at the office and be productive. The heat has also contributed to my sluggish energy level. I walked a little bit in the heat yesterday on campus and it zapped the energy from me. I am hoping that the cooler temperatures this weekend will help with my energy level. Needless to say, I am extremely disappointed that I am still needing to rest at home one week after chemo. The doctor did remind me that the chemo effects are cumulative and that each treatment will be more difficult on my body.

One of the challenges of writing this blog is that it provides me an opportunity not only to reflect on what I am experiencing but also WHY I am feeling these emotions. It makes me think 'in depth' about these experiences and forces me to try to make sense of them. I know that at times in my life I have been too busy 'living life on a daily basis' to reflect on what was happening AND my reaction to it. This blog has allowed me to explore some of those emotions and to make sense of them. Of course, cancer has provided me with challenges that I have never had before in my life and I am trying to figure out how to navigate through these uncharted waters. The fact that my physical recovery from this most recent chemo treatment has been so slow has dampened my emotional state and my ability to find the strength to stay positive. As I stated in my last post, I never thought the side effects from my second Taxol treatment would still be with me a week later.

The question is - where and how do I find the inspiration to this recent challenge? One way is that I get inspired by people who have made it through this. There are so many people who have battled cancer and other life-threatening diseases and won. I find strength in their stories and a certain camaraderie in knowing that we share a common bond. I hope that someday I can be an inspiration for others who are staging their own battle with cancer.

Love to all,
Mary Kay

Photo of the Day - my sister Susan and her son Kevin

Just a little funk

Yes, it has been a week since my last post. Why? I have been in a bit of an emotional funk for a few days and I have been experiencing some severe side effects of my second Taxol treatment. Both of those make it difficult to write – and who wants to write when you feel crappy.

My treatment went well last Thursday – other than the fact that we did not get home until 11 pm, again. It was my first time at the new cancer facility, which is not part of the main campus of the KU Med hospital. As with my other treatments, the first couple of days after treatment day have been ok. It is on days two to three that the side effects have appeared. I started to experience the dreaded muscle and joint pain associated with Taxol on Saturday morning. The pain was significant enough that it interfered with my regular activities of play and work. I tried to go to work on Monday morning but that was definitely the wrong thing to do. I stayed for an hour and a half and then went home to sleep. I have been on a steady diet of Vicodin painkillers to ease the ‘shooting’ joint pain. My doctor told me that I would probably experience the joint pain this time because I had to take a Neulasta shot because my white blood cell count was out of the normal range. Apparently, the Neulasta and Taxol combination typically results in the increase in joint pain. The good news is that I feel better today – Tuesday – and I have only taken ibuprofen for the pain.

The other good news is that I only have two more chemotherapy treatments!! I am scheduled for my third treatment on August 30 and my final treatment on September 13. It seems so far away right now, I want the time to go fast. It seems as though I have mentally marked the end of chemo and the surgery date as THE significant end to this journey. I am not sure why, but I think it is the desire to get the cancer out as fast as possible. This ‘neoadjuvant’ therapy is hard to mentally and emotionally endure because of the wait time to surgery. I know that is why I am experiencing the emotional distress of late. It makes me think why didn’t I choose surgery first? Am I making the right decision for me and my specific kind of cancer? I wonder if other cancer patients have episodes when FEAR creeps its way into their minds, too?

I know that the start of the school year has also contributed to my funk. It is not that the school year has started; it is that I am not part of it. It is the first time in my life that the school year has started without me! I am not teaching or taking classes this semester – I can only think of one other year that has happened since I was five years old. I also don’t want to let my colleagues down. Even though I have plenty of sick leave so that I can stay home and recover, I still want to be a part of my work culture. I know this experience is another lesson that cancer is teaching me. I haven’t quite figured out what the lesson is, but I know I am on a journey to learn something. I think it might have to do with focusing on the really important parts of life. Right now for me, my focus must be on my health. I must do everything I can to give my body a chance to rid itself of cancer and rest and recuperation has to be a part of that process. I might have made the mistake of thinking that once I was finished with Adriamycin (red devil) and Cytoxan treatments at the end of July, that I would be able to resume my ‘normal’ life of work and play. Well, Taxol isn’t letting me do that just yet. I wanted to be able to go back to work and not let these chemo treatments interfere with my work. I guess it is just the rhythm of the school year that is so imbedded in my soul that it is difficult for me to let go of it for even one semester. So, the lesson to be learned – don’t sweat the small stuff and focus on the really important things in life - like getting healthy.

Love to all,
Mary Kay

We take our jobs seriously, but we don't take ourselves seriously!

I love my job at Leadership Studies and Programs! I returned to the office this week and have absolutely loved it. We have a strong tradition of celebrating EVERYTHING at Leadership Studies - this week was no exception. As you can see from these photos from a 'little get together' with staff, we had fun, fun, fun in celebrating the start of the semester and Candi's completion of her master's degree. We celebrate in the philosophy of Susan Scott - we take our jobs seriously, but we don't take ourselves seriously!! Please view these photos in that spirit.

We like to refer to Candi as the Queen of Care at Leadership Studies. This is Candi's second queenship - her first was as homecoming queen at Oregon State University - that's true.

As with any good celebration, there was dancing! Ben started the dancing by giving swing lessons to Mary. Even though I did not catch it on camera, Ben surprised Mary by flipping her at the end of this dance move!! I am happy to report that Mary's back spasms have subsided.

Heather said NO to the flip, but she was up for a little side swinging. We hope Ben will audition for the TV show 'So you think you can dance.'

Mike gave a 'tip of the hat' to Ben's amazing dance talents.

We had our own version of the Supremes - Susan, Mary, and Heather performed as the Leaderettes.

Gilbert, Sharon (looking the other direction), Olivia, and Dana enjoyed the show, but decided they could not compete with Ben's dancing ability.

Sue and Irma chose to watch from the side - they didn't embarrass or hurt themselves by making that wise decision.

Photo of the Day - my grand niece Hallie

Summer is over!! Today was my first day back to work after my relaxing summer - oops, I mean, after my summer of chemotherapy. As I stated in an earlier post, this is not what I had in mind for the summer of Mary Kay. I was going to work in the yard, do a ton of projects around the house, travel, and visit friends and relatives. Instead, I traveled to KC every two weeks for treatments. Right now when I think of the first 4 treatments of Red Devil, I cringe at the thought of the nausea and chemo brain. Enough of that - I made it through the worst of chemo!! Yeah..

My treatment day has been changed to Thursday because the KU Med Cancer Center has moved to a new building. I am not sure why the move changes my treatment day, but I guess the move has changed more than just the building. The new center is about five minutes south of KU Med. The treatment on Thursday will be my second of four Taxol treatments. If things go according to plan, I will take my last chemo treatment on September 13!! That is one month from today!!

Right now, things seem to be going too slow for me. When I took the Adriamycin and Cytoxan treatments, I felt as if I was doing something for the cancer because I felt sick all the time. It was a reminder that I had cancer and that I was fighting it. Without the significant side-effects from the Taxol, I feel as if I am NOT fighting the cancer. I know that sounds crazy, but the bad side effects from the first 4 treatments kept me from looking too far ahead. Now, all I can think about is getting to surgery. I feel the need to knock on wood about my statements on the limited side effects of Taxol. The superstitious side of me is telling me that I might regret that statement.

I want to send a special 'shout out' to my Dorrance friends Donna Fay and Teresa. They (and Donna Fay's daughter-in-law Jessica) stopped by for a visit on Friday evening AND brought homemade bierocks and kolaches!! There is nothing like a little home cooking from Dorrance to brighten my day. Donna Fay suggested that I freeze the beirocks - not a chance. Nancy and I ate them on Saturday!! Thanks ladies for the visit and food - please come back as soon as possible because the goodies are goners. I just had to take a photo of the kolaches and bierocks just to make your mouth water!

I also want to give a special 'shout out' to all who have been supporting me throughout this journey. Your support is truly appreciated and I hope that I can return the favor in some way. Let's all commit to love and laughter!

Love and laughter to all,
Mary Kay